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Complete list of relationships
All wrong, yet going strong
by Shanidar Cabaraban
I was reading Romeo and Juliet for school last night when it dawned to
me, that people in love really do crazy things. Seeing the world in rose-colored
glasses, blind from each other’s flaws and pathetically so idealistic
that love conquers all.
Family and friends tell them the real deal, they don’t listen. So
utterly convinced that this time, a love like theirs would last a lifetime.
Passionately emphatic that this person is their soul mate and they could
not bear to part from each other, couples in love don’t notice the
details like love handles, bad breath, rude personalities, financial stability--things
that matter for SANE people. After all, they are in love. They have the
license to be caught up in their private little splendor of grass.
What are the usual sane reasons why friends and families do not approve
of your current love?
First, they use the:
1. Family background. “He’s born from the wrong side of the
blanket. He’s illegitimate. His great grand-daddy seduced your great
grand-daddy’s girlfriend. His dad is the village drunk. His mom is
the official barangay nagger. His aunt is mentally unstable. His lola
was checked in the mental institution.”
If that doesn’t work, they try different approaches:
2. Habits and personality. “He smokes. He drinks. He brags. Laughs
loudly. Does not wear socks. He has lots of girls. He has three kids from
different women. He doesn’t pay child support. Dirty finger nails.
Smiles a lot. Does not smile a lot. Too smart. Too dumb. Curly hair. Too
tall. Too short. He thinks he’s funny. He’s corny. Doesn’t
know how to cook. Too meticulous. He’s a slob. He doesn’t brush
his teeth.” And the list goes on and on...
3. Educational Achievement (or lack thereof). “He didn’t even
finish high school or college” (depends on the stress of the tone
of your dad’s voice). “He dropped out. He flunked Physics. Speaks
funny English.”
For their ace in the hole:
4. Financial Stability. “He’s poor.” Need I say more?
5. Checkered Past. “He has 3 kids from different women. He got some
girl pregnant when he was 18. He refused to marry her. He had the baby
aborted,” and then the voices rise hysterically. Finally, they say
“He’s not good enough for you.”
The pressure from parents, siblings, peer mount to an overwhelming crescendo...and
yet they persist to sing their own song and dance to their own tune. Which
makes you wonder, what makes a couple, whom everybody thinks is all wrong
for each other last more than we expected?
I asked a couple of friends and colleagues, what was the sustaining power
to “defeat” these external relationship pressures and here are
some insights:
1. Knowing what and who you want in a relationship. There are many different
reasons for entering into a relationship: for companionship (go to movies,
spend a day in the beach); for sexual experience (ahem!); to have a long-term
partner (stay committed even if it means giving up a lot of independence);
for financial reasons (as in “asukal de papa/mama” or sugar
daddies and mommies).
When you are in a relationship and everybody is against, it's important
to know exactly what you want, who you want and how to get it. That way,
it reduces the confusion and the anxiety. When everybody else sees that
you’re adamant and headstrong about this person and come hell or
high water, you are so sure this is the man you want to spend the rest
of your life with, it's easier to live with the daily sermons.
2. Open your eyes. Close your ears. Family and friends tend to mouth
off and talk heat when it comes to their baby daughter hooking up with
the long-haired, muscle-bound guy next door. They will enumerate his flaws
and his defects, whether it be congenital or attitudinal, and a lot of
them will sound silly: “He’s wearing thick glasses. Your kids
will be born blind. He has gray hair. He will die first. You will be a
widow by the time you’re thirty. He has yellow teeth.”
Best thing to do, accept his flaws and live with it. Don’t listen
to them drone on and on about his flaws. Chances are, his family is doing
the same with your flaws. Besides, you're the one who has to see him everyday.
If you can live with it, why not?
3. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Refer to the above reasons. You know him best.
They don’t, but hon, don’t lie to yourself. If he’s not
as honest as he may seem, if he’s not as loving, as sweet or as smart
as he may appear, perhaps it’s time to start questioning the situation.
4. Communicate. The thing is, conflicts will arise. His family will do
a character assassination on you. Your family might even do a real live
assassination hit on him. It's important that both parties talk about
where they stand and how to survive this “You and Me Against the
World” concept.
Talking helps, keeping all communication lines open. Couples have to
know their place and they have to weed out the unnecessary elements of
a relationship.
5. Taking it one day at a time. Don’t rush. As clichéd as
it sounds, “if it's meant to be, then it is.” Time can usually
be a good ally to get to know your partner more. Soul mates wait several
lifetimes to be together. What’s a few more months?
This is to people out there who still believe in Love Conquers All. Personally,
I sing my own song and dance my own tune. If at the slightest hint, I
feel he’s not what he seems to be, I’m out. But then, I’ve
never met anyone worth hanging on to.
About the author
Shanidar Cabaraban is freelance journalist and monthly relationship
columnist for whymenare.com,
an online magazine for women, and your one stop shop for lingerie,
leather, adult novelties, clubwear, pvc lingerie and more! |
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