Complete list of relationships

Lies women tell

by columnist Shanidar Cabaraban

No, this is not another male bashing session with me. Believe it or not, male bashing too has to be taken in moderation. In fact, this article is so far from male bashing because this piece will provide you an extra ordinary insight into the intricate and most complex mind created by God- a woman’s mind.

Men don’t have the monopoly with lies, you know. Not to brag, but women who have been known to be forthright and with sterling reputation resort to lying plenty of times. This goes back to the days when the Homo Erectus female, after being dragged by the hair by the male Homo Erectus (because he didn’t believe she was really washing her hair in the week since she’s disappeared) resorted to lying if only to stop him from making her bald.

Over the years, men and women have evolved to cooking meat, developing weapons, wearing something else other than bark of the tree; the lies too have evolved. In fact, it has become a race for survival in this crazy little thing called relationship. Think of it this way, what is the objective behind the lies women tell? Simple! She doesn’t want to hurt her man’s feeling. Now, if a girl, lady, woman, or man pretending to be a woman tells you something like the list compiled below, bear in mind, she’s not really lying.. she just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

1. Yes, you do kind of look like Piolo Pascual, especially with that haircut!
The more handsome the actor, the more she loves you. So honey, if she tells you, you look like Alex Compton at a certain angle, she must really be crazy about you.

2. Of course I came honey, tons of times!
I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings but the truth is most women fake it. Explanation? Simply this: Not a lot of women are red hot fire engines who are capable of multiple orgasm. You know the old saying: Once is enough for a wise man? Well, we can edit some stuff there and say: Once is enough for any woman. If you found a woman who can do that more than once, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let her go. That appetite may come in handy during rain season.

3. You're the best lover I've ever had.
Okay, this may sound a bit harsh but the truth is, men expect it from us women to say that. Just like we women expect that you men tell us we are not fat and that you aren’t seeing someone else. Men demand that we placate their feelings and inflate their egos by telling them this and because we care and we are ever dutiful we say it... but only because you want us to.

4. Oh this? It's just something I threw on. (It's brand-new)
Most men are boggled with the concept that we normal women, do not come out of our houses looking like amazing models because we were born that way. Beauty takes a lot of time, patience and shopping. So when we say, this old rag I put on for you actually mean, I bought it 3 hours ago. Compelling reason behind this lie: We don’t want you to think we primp, pluck and sweat for you.

5. Your mother is sweet! (For a domineering shrew)
Mama’s boys, watch out. There is no greater BANE in our existence than a shrew for a mother in law. Poor Lumen, always caught in a stupid ping pong ball of emotions between pleasing her husband and sucking up to her mother in law. I say ditch the old broad Lumen and for once, stick to your guns. You don’t need to be WA-IS for your mother in law... you only need to be WA-IS for your husband.

6. Hmmmm, quite the handful. Oooh, ow, I think you're too big for me.
Read number 3 and internalize this: He likes hearing this. So, give it to him. I’m not a puritan and I’ve always thought if it doesn’t hurt the person, give a kind word or two. This definitely applies to the same principle.

7.I don't talk to my girlfriends about you.
You know those all-girl night outs we say we go to? Now you know what we talk about. How amazing you are, how crazy in love you are and how wonderful you are. Of course if we just had a big fight, we bash you with our girl friends and perform voodoo on you. Yes, there’s the voodoo doll image of you and guess where we stab the pins?

8.I hope you and your new girlfriend will be very happy.
When a relationship ends, we have to say this. When The Corrs sang “I Never Really Loved You Anyway”, I was so sure there had to be a basis. In truth and in fact, we actually want you and your current girlfriend to die from a debilitating disease, crawl on dirt with blood and mucus secreting everywhere or something along that line.

9. It's just what I always wanted! (The bigger the smile, the bigger the lie)
Most men have lousy taste. Admit it. They hate to shop. They hate to wait so they usually take the most convenient, accessible and sometimes cheapest gift they can find, or if they’re really smart they ask a girl friend or their sister or their mother to shop for them, but even that sometimes does not work out so when men hand the gift over, we give a big smile and say this line.

10. Marriage? I've never even thought about it...(We planned the whole event out in the womb)
There are women who swear, on their mother’s grave they do not want to get married but I also know plenty of women who use this excuse to camouflage their growing desperation to get married. They say this lie because they do not want to scare the guy. The truth is most women want the whole shebang hoopla---long white gown with a train so long, white roses for bouquet and Archbishop Tuquib presiding over the wedding. We say men think of sex all the time, well, women think of marriage all the time...at least normal women do.

11. I never lie.
Don’t you believe this. Of course she lies! Otherwise, she’s the devil’s handmaid. You know how they say? Perfection is the devil’s work. I don’t really believe that but if she says she never lies, I’d volunteer to have my ovaries removed without anesthesia.

12. I have a boyfriend.
This is handy when a male or female admirer has gone psycho and is now stalking you. When he or she won’t take no for an answer, and you truthfully do not have a boyfriend, get one of your friends to pretend that you’re involved with him. The wise ones get a clue. The ‘stupids’ usually take a longer time.

13. I don't have a boyfriend.
Have you ever gone to a party and saw somebody (who looks like the poster guy for Oxygen Shop) where the attraction was too strong, and you, being a mere mortal, wanted so badly to get to know this person better and he seems to exchange hot looks with you too, but your boyfriend is still alive and kicking and will pick you up in twenty minutes so you say this lie to the Oxygen look-alike model in a last ditch effort to get lucky.

14. My best friend is infatuated with you and if I keep seeing you, I'll lose her as a friend.
Surprisingly, guys understand that friendship comes first, especially between women. This is an example of a uni-sex lie. Most men use this lie too to get rid of a pesky female. We merely change tables once in a while. The truth is her best friend hates your guts so bad she would have paid the boys in Corrales to bump you off.

15. It's not you; it's me. (It's you).
When God created man, he saw that he royally screwed up, so He went and made woman. Following this logic, a woman is totally blameless and utterly devoid of any flaw especially when it comes to relationships. Right? Wrong! But it’s sure good for the ego and the self-esteem and for most men and women, this gives them the license to lie. Whether its moral or not, I don’t really want to make judgment calls but I will tell you this: Lying is like rain on a hot summer day, it can be refreshing and fun but when it keeps coming, it cramps your lifestyle.